Not pretend
but real death —
she’s gone.
Grammy, rest tranquil
in the stillborn dawn
never to wake
by Grampy’s side again.
The pain is over,
the waiting done,
the death drugs flushed
safely down the toilet
where they now belong.
Mingle with the universal
so Grampy can feel
your love spread lovingly
through his suicidal soul.
The time will come
soon enough for you
both to rest side by side
cremains in a cubby
built for two
for all time.
From 304 Winfield Street, San Francisco, CA:
I made it home safe and sound.
South America was amazing for me.
Taking care of Grampy in Washington, D.C., along with my mother, was important.
Sending money to Guille in Montevideo may have been foolish. I’ve been trying to reach him by phone every day since I got back here with no success. I’m not sure why it’s so much worse for me not knowing what has happened then, let’s say, hearing from him that he no longer wants me to contact him. The uncertainty of not knowing if something has happened to him is part of it. Perhaps it’s part of my “wanting to rescue a boy” complex like Nikas talked about.
I met Nikas when I invited Storm out for a night dancing at the End Up. Storm flirted with him first — we both thought he was real humpy. It surprised me when he said he wanted to spend the night with me instead of Storm. He actually gave Storm $20 for a taxi home when I mentioned I was worried about him getting home OK. Storm seemed happy with the arrangement and Nikas didn’t seem like a psycho-killer, so I went home with him.
When we arrived in his bed, he told me has been HIV+ for years. We still hugged and kissed. I was horny, so jacked him off, which he liked, and he then did the same for me. It was comfortable hanging out with him, even though he confided in me that he’s had a speed addiction, shooting it up. Although he says he’s now off it, I get the sense that it may rear its ugly head in his life again. We ate a nice brunch at a place called Cafe 69, or something like that, on Maiden Lane. Then, we went our separate ways. It’s been a few days and I haven’t heard a peep from him. He has my info and Storm has his phone number in his cell phone.
From Alexander Bloomfield’s apartment in Rockville, MD:
I caught a cold from Grampy’s helper Bertila on Monday, so I’m feeling congested and have a sore throat. I’m still cooking meals for Grampy and the rest of us with Mom’s help. Grampy’s spirit seems to rise when he eats good food, although sometimes he claims not to care about what he eats. He definitely has a sweet tooth, consuming a lot of cake and chocolate. Luckily, getting him back on his blood pressure medication has lowered his blood pressure to acceptable levels. Twice a day, Mom, Grampy, and I sit around the table taking our blood pressure and we all remind each other to take our pills each morning.
I went down to the front dest of the apartment building yesterday where I met Bev(erly) and asked her where I could go to buy a boombox. She told me where I could go, but then mentioned that she was trying to give an old one away and she’d be happy to bring it in the next morning. I told her a few times I’d be glad to pay her for it, but she said she didn’t want anything for it. When I asked ni9cely one more time when picking it up from her this morning, she mentioned that if I really wanted, I could get her three or four mangoes, so that’s my mission before leaving here on Saturday.
I’m lying around listening to the music I got in Brazil and trying to recover rapidly from this cold. I’m homesick for San Francisco and lovesick for Guille. I want to get myself set up at home to do yoga then write for a couple of hours each morning. I want a bicycle that won’t strain my neck when I ride it. I want to start swimming 2-3 times a week in a nice swimming pool.
I’m experiencing Internet withdrawal.
A week spent vacationing in Seattle with my family and with Cob convinced me that Cob and I are not boyfriend candidates, at least well into the future. The upside is that we both seemingly want to continue to be friends with one another.
The trip was wonderful in many ways. I cooked a meal for 10 family members on Friday evening and got lots of wonderful feedback for doing so. I reconnected with Dad in some nice ways, with good conversation and lots, perhaps too much, technical support on the computer. I met Dad’s new partner Mariel who was very friendly and welcoming. I spent an afternoon hanging out with Mom, sharing stories and tiny glasses of Vermeer, a chocolate liqueur we both like. Cob met my family and played his viol, even singing a tune along with it. I had lots of time to hang out with my three nephews, Alex, Sam, and Zach, who are all growing up in wondrous ways.
Cob and I took Monday and Tuesday on a road trip to the towns and countryside around Gold Bar and Index. We hiked up Wallace Falls and I got to jump into the freezing cold river water at the top of the falls before hiking back down through all the wonderful forests and seeing all the expansive views on the way down. We found a wonderful place to stay called the Rose Hill Bed & Breakfast. Moon, the proprietor, welcomed us warmly although we arrived without a reservation at 7pm on Labor Day! Fortunately for us, her place was available because it was a large apartment with crazy interior decorating and wonderful views of the mountains around Index. Moon, Jacob, and I got on fabulously… she recommended to Cob that he move to San Francisco and could tell how taken I am with him.
On the drive back to Seattle, Cob made it clear to me that he felt my romantic interest in him was blocking our relationship from developing into a solid friendship. I mourned the lost days we could have spent together as partners and lovers and let go. I told him I would never kiss him or ask him to make love again unless he someday lets me know it’s ok to do so. He said he wanted some space to himself my last evening in Seattle, which hurt a bit, but again I just let go.
Instead, after hanging out with my father, I went to visit my friend J Steve and we spent a pleasant evening eating dinner, chatting in front of the public library near his apartment, and cuddling all night to make love in the morning. His style of connecting with me physically felt much less restrained than with Cob as of late, so it was all part of a healing process for me, even though J Steve is partnered with Drake who lives in Bend.
I hate it when I get into a despairing mood about my ability to partner with someone. Sometimes a lengthy queue of prospective partners of the past works its way through my mind in a gloomy procession of seemingly failed connections. When I look at it all intellectually, it seems silly. I remind myself that I would make a wonderful partner, even as I have doubts that there is somehow something wrong with me that has prevented deep long-term romantic connections since Rico and I broke up in 1996.
I’m very excited by the possibility that Cob may move in to 304 Winfield Street to fill the vacancy left by Vivek when he moves to Washington, DC, for a job.
Cob has wonderful ideas about fresh-baked bread, organic gardening, and other ways to help out around the house while he is pursuing his study of music and memory techniques, such as memory palaces.
I think he would bring wonderful gifts to our home, as well as to me personally.
He currently estimates a better than half chance he will move in, although he’s also considering a possible situation in Portland, Maine, and he told me to go ahead and advertise the room in case he isn’t able to move here.
Yesterday, I called Grammy (Ruth Bloomfield) to wish her a happy birthday. She tells me she is getting blind and deaf, but otherwise is in reasonable health. She praised her children (my mother Anita and my uncle Mark) and especially her husband (Grampy aka Alexander Bloomfield) for taking such good care of her. She asked me to come visit again soon, which I definitely should try to do somehow, although I haven’t been in traveling mode lately.
Today is Virginia Davidson’s birthday, so I have to remember to call her as well to arrange for some kind of get-together. I love the hermaphrodite mask she recently gave me, which I have hung in the stairwell mask gallery at my place. It extends the collection of miniature hermaphrodite sculptures she has given me in the past.
I’ve been visiting Seattle since Wednesday and will return home tomorrow.
I got to meet my two new baby nephews, born within a week of each other to my sister Jen and my sister-in-law Erika. Their names are Zach and Sam.
I’ve started up picture galleries for myself and some of my family members:
http://www.willdoherty.org/gallery/albums.php
http://www.alexbenton.org/gallery/albums.php
http://www.zachbenton.org/gallery/albums.php
http://www.samdoherty.org/gallery/albums.php
http://www.erikawalther.org/gallery/albums.php
http://www.rickdoh.org/gallery/albums.php
Hopefully, the rest of the family will start posting pictures too!
We had a good time celebrating Dan’s birthday and I had a pleasant lunch with my mother. I’ve been staying at my father’s place and he and I are planning to have lunch with my brother today, after which I’ll probably head over to the house where the rest of the family lives in the evening.
In addition to visiting my family, I met up with a bunch of queer longhairs here in Seattle. In addition to great meals at varioous restaurants and some bar hopping, we attended a great production of the play “Hair” at the 5th Street Theatre. I was crying throughout the performance of what is now a theatre classic. It seems particularly apropos in this time of U.S. interventions abroad, although parts of the play definitely are dated to the 60s era.
Thanks to Mike, Herb, and J. Steve for organizing a fabulous weekend of longhair events! It was good to meet Bryan from near Vancouver and to see Seattlite David Kerlick as well as Drake from Bend, O’er Again. đ
I got a chance to meet a faerie named Boom in person… it was fun to get to know him better.
I’ve been so busy I haven’t even written about my new nephews Sam and Zach. Sam is the baby of Dan, my brother, and Erika, his partner and my sister-in-law. Zach is the second child of Jen, my sister, and Jim, her partner and my brother-in-law.
I’m going to Seattle to visit everyone and to have fun at a longhair gathering happening up there, including a visit to the play “Hair.”
Mom should be in Seattle, so I’ll see her there and delay the trip to Rochester I had planned for May.
This morning I woke up feeling better!
I still have the remnants of a sore throat, but I was able to do some yoga and I feel even better after the yoga. It’s like a feedback loop.
I’ve sent and received more email from Paul. He’s not sure that he wants to visit San Francisco anymore… we’ll have to wait and see. During yoga, I realized that I am doing what I can to strengthen my connection with him and that I still feel strongly for him. I realized that I am an amazing person! I will make a great boyfriend for him if he chooses that path.
In the meantime, I need to keep up my connections with other people in my life as well. It was good to get a call from Jon about going to hear a queer band last night, even though I wasn’t up for it. I tried calling Rodney who I met at Breitenbush a second time… he seems really busy and unresponsive. He and his housemate James are planning a trip to San Francisco at the beginning of April. I may or may not be back from my trip to New York for the Computers, Freedom, & Privacy conference in time to see them. I haven’t heard from Lance in awhile… I was thinking that perhaps shaving my goatee had turned him off or that the chemistry may just not be there anymore. No word at all from Steve… I’ll let him take whatever initiative there will be. Guy and Jey will have their game night tonight, but I can’t go because I’ll be at the Symphony with David.
I’d like to see if I can set up a trip to Seattle to see my new-born baby nephews. It would be great to see Cob at the same time, unless he decides to make his way to San Francisco before then.
One day of blogging and I already have a critic! My Mom!
She was not happy with my grammar in the second blog entry, so I’ve had to correct it.
Thanks to Lance for asking Guy and Jay to let me come to their New Year’s party last evening. I had a great time visiting with the gang. Guy, Jay, Aaron, Marcus, Courtland, Lance, and I were there. The guys were playing shoot-em-up video games at first, so Lance and I took a romantic walk on Ocean Beach, only a couple blocks from Guy and Jay’s place. The midnight hour passed with a toast and without incident. Matthew and Ann showed up after Matthew returned from Houston and Ann was kind enough to pick him up at the airport. Ann was also kind enough to give Lance and me a ride to my place where we finally hit the sack at about 4am.
Lance stayed for most of New Year’s Day. We slept, made love, talked, ate, watched two movies (The Hudsucker Proxy and Death of a Salesman), then talked and ate some more.
My father called and we had a short but pleasant chat. Looks like the paperwork is almost finished on his new home in Seattle, so he’s settling in for some renovations. He mentioned that my sister Jen is down with bedrest due to some mild complications with her pregnancy. And my cousin Deirdre is in the hospital again with mental health problems, unfortunately losing her trailer and pet in the process. I need to get in touch soon with both of them, as well as writing a long overdue thank-you note to my grandparents for the birthday gift they sent me months ago.